My dear friends,
I apologize for the long blogging hiatus. To be thoroughly open and honest, this girl had a whole bunch of spiritual junk to deal with for a bit. The thought life was in an uproar and I was not where I needed to be. So I stumbled and let it rock me before finally coming to my senses. 🙁
Guys, above all else, guard your hearts. It determines the course of your life. And do that by taking your thoughts captive. Because you’re so vulnerable when you entertain wrong thinking, and it opens the door to a flood of disaster and struggle. You don’t even notice until the consequences are already upon you. It is hard work to kick them out and clean house. Please save yourself the headache and take every thought captive, making it obedient to Christ. Cast down the imaginations and every high thing that rises up against the knowledge of Christ.
Anyway, I have picked up physically keeping a journal again. It is an incredible way to get thoughts out where you can examine them, cultivating and discarding as needed. It’s also an amazing testament to what changes God is able to bring about in you as you record thoughts and feelings, and can go back and see your own development months- even years- later. Praise God, my healer, shaper, and King.
Here follows yesterday’s journal entry…
If there is one thing I am learning about this life, it is that you cannot live stuck in a persecuted/victimized mindset and expect to live a healthy life.
One of the easiest traps to fall into is taking your personal struggles or hardships and making them your identity.
It keeps us stuck there. Defined and caged. And scarily, often we are comfortable with that. We have found a label for ourselves. We have a cause: something to shake our fists at and demand justice for.
And it sickens the soul.
I do not want that. Ever.
And I will not become a woman who holds her past close, nursing it and milking it for all the self pity it is worth. My struggles and the hardships I may have gone through are NOT my identity. They are NOT the biggest part of who I am. I refuse to let them be.
To be a healthy, thriving individual, I must be able to accept, let go, and move forward. Forgiving completely. And if I file away any memory of the past, it must be for the sole, singular purpose of being able to help and relate to others I meet who go through similar circumstances.
But that is all.
I cannot hold onto anything with plans for justice in the future. I will not adopt for myself any negative stamps such as “victim” “martyr” or “survivor”, as good as those may feel to the selfish, dramatic, egotistical flesh. For Pete’s sake. How pathetic in light of what horrors some people have actually gone through.
It’s such a nasty, slippery slope. And our enemy uses it so often because it works.
Don’t let it.
Jesus SAID we would have hardships. We had fair warning, and if our hearts are in the right place, those times, when they come, should actually be faced with joy! Because it may not be pleasant by any means, but this is actually affirmation and can be comforting when you think about it with the right heart. If life were always sunshine and butterflies, I would begin to wonder why Satan didn’t find sending storms my way very high on his priority list.
Jesus said we would suffer. All those who wanted to follow Him would.
So why on earth do we curl up in little balls when it happens and cry and throw tantrums and act like it’s so unjust and we’re so persecuted and wahwahwah…?
(I’m sorry, now I’m just ranting.)
But seriously, I want to be a woman who is Spiritually mature. Who has roots sent deep down into the Word and is no longer tossed to and fro when the wind picks up. I don’t want a defensive heart or a complaining spirit. I don’t want to wallow in self-pity like a pig in the mud: so fleshly-gratified, and yet such a mess.
I see her so clearly in my head: that woman I want to be. She is strong and courageous, gentle and kind. She is wise and compassionate. And best of all, she is fearless.
And that is because everything I want to be is over there: on the other side of fear.
Fear keeps us from getting over ourselves, from letting go of hurt, from opening up and being real. Because we want something to hold onto that we have control over. We need control. But the scariest consequence of all is that fear keeps us from Love.
Dear Jesus, I am just thankful that You have shown me what needs change in my heart. And I am so glad that You don’t leave me to do the changing on my own. I am asking for Your help, Lord. I want the change even if it hurts. Even if it means being laid raw and bare with no pride and no control left.
The fear needs to go.
Because I am meant for so much more than this. Love and Power and a Sound Mind.
I accept it, I’m reaching out for it, God.
Please keep pruning me.
And I will keep declaring this over myself: Fearless, Joyous, Strong: growing into all she is called to be.